Chapter One: Salsa and Disappointment

            The first and probably the shortest part of this book starts with Seth.  Seth was the first guy I ever went out on a date with.  Now lets get this straight, it is not the first guy I have crushed on or “experimented” with, but I consider his part of my story important because he was at the beginning of my mission to have a relationship.  Here is how it began.

            I had recently been out of the closet to certain people at my school and I was on a mission.  I wanted a boyfriend.  Hands down. The end.  Get me started.  So naturally in a suburb of oh so “gay friendly” Colorado, my only option was to be set up on a blind date.  Because lets face it, with a class of 35 graduates, when I was in high school I was the only gay.  Well not the only one, but because I wasn’t completely out I didn’t want to date someone from my school.  I wanted excitement and someone new.  I was ready.  After numerous attempts of meeting guys online. NOT RECOMMENDED.  My dear friend Elle and her girlfriend Anastasia (Sorry I’m not good at this whole disguising names thing but I love that movie,) decided to help me find a boyfriend and whoever it was, we were to go on a double date. For protection.   Now my two lesbian best friends had a complicated relationship.  Lets see if I can do this quickly.  Elle’s mother was psycho and when Elle was out and dating Anastasia her mother basically pushed her back in the closet and told her she was never allowed to see Anastasia again.  Her mother was under the impression we were dating.  Anastasia had a mother who was EVEN MORE of a psycho who basically did the same thing with added craziness and was also under the impression that her and I were dating.  Anastasia also had two brothers who were her mothers’ henchmen who reported everything to their mother.  So Elle and Anastasia had a secret relationship and I had two unwanted girlfriends and no boyfriends. Lovely. That should be a lifetime movie entitled “Two Girls One Gay.”

Eventually since Elle had gone to several other schools, through friends she had found someone to set me up with.  She gave me his number and we started to talk through text message and on the phone and through email.  He seemed like an ok  guy, sweet, inquisitive, clearly a bottom (something I had not quite figured out yet) and we set up a time in which him and the girls and I could go out on a double date.  I chose the restaurant.  The Armadillo.  I LOVE Mexican food, so if I am still single by the time this book is out…boys add it to the list of qualifications you MUST have.  So we decided to go out to dinner and basically to see where it went from there and to see exactly how the night would go.  Keep in mind that I have never met the guy.  So after our very well planned out and very rehearsed maneuvers of picking up Anastasia in my car, saying hello to the folks, driving to Elle’s, dropping Ana (Anastasia is way too long to write, but not as long as this explanation of why I’m using Ana instead of Anastasia, story of my life) off at the corner, parking at Elle’s, saying hello to her mother and then taking her mother’s van, then picking up Ana on the corner again, we were off.  Now let’s keep in mind, this was technically my first date so I had gone ALL out.   At that time I was just getting used to my new body (yes I used to be a fat kid) and so I had purchased this brand new outfit that consisted of blue jeans, a mustard yellow t-shirt, a maroon track jacket, and maroon and white shoes.  Thank you American Eagle!! I was ready!  Now, apparently this kid had not told his parents he was gay yet so again even though I was the only fully open homosexual to my family, we had to meet the parents as if Elle and I were dating and we were going on a double date with Ana and Seth.  Let me explain about Elle. Um….how do I put this lightly.  Elle was what you can call NOT a lipstick lesbian, meaning she looked more like a boy then a girl, and me standing at the door in my super gay outfit, either Seth’s parents were completely stupid or in denial.  But they let us in with cheerful hellos and told us Seth would be right down.

The minute Seth stepped out on to the top of the stairs I knew this wasn’t going to go well.  First off he was wearing super tight, female jeans. Fail. Paired with these jeans was a bright pink button down shirt.  All this accompanied by a very feminine man bag.  Now let me talk about his face.  Now before you go further I would like to say that I am NOT a shallow person.  I believe on looking on what is inside rather than the outside, however when there is something, lets say…very noticeable on someone’s face, you tend to not be able to stop looking at it.  Make sense? No? Ok well let me just get to the point.  Did you ever see the movie Austin Powers Goldmember?  If you have you probably know what I’m going for….yep that’s right.  There was a giant mole on his face.  Now I’m fine with moles but it was really big. Like REALLY big.  And before I could do a rendition of Mike Myers saying “Moley, Moley, Moley, Moley…” We were out the door to the good ole Armadillo.  The date was not a success.  For one thing I could not stop looking at it. I’m sorry Okay?! You would look too if you were there.  But it wasn’t his addition to his face that made it bad; the date was just not a success.  From him eating all the chips and salsa (NOT OK in my book, unless its me eating them all), to his very high pitched voice and super homosexual hand gestures, to the fact that he would not stop touching me under the table. MOLEY. I was miserable.  Finally the meal was over and we hopped in the Lesbian Mobile, but because I was unable to get one of the girls alone, I could not say our secret word that this wasn’t going well….ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! (Ok maybe it was too obvious of a word).  So instead of taking Seth immediately home, someone had the bright idea to go to the park, and since the girls were trying to make this the best date ever Seth and I were left alone on a bridge.  He then tried to hold my hand. I pulled it away. MOLEY. He grabbed it again.  I pulled it away again. MOLEY. He grabbed it and held on. (Apparently he took this situation as me playing hard to get).  He then pulled me closer…and closer…and closer….and then right before he was going to make a move (MOLEY), I brought out my secret weapon.  A fake sneeze.  I’m really good at them and it was the perfect maneuver to pull away.  At that point I said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry…allergies….cough…cough…weez…” MOLEY. I grabbed my phone and said “Oh no! It’s so late, my mom is going to kill me!” Not true.  My mom was probably not even worried, probably watching The Amazing Race.  But I said we had to go, and we all piled in the Mystery Machine and got to Seth’s house. Longest and most awkward drive of my life. We pulled up to the house and to be polite I said "Wow, I had a really great time, we should do this again." (Don't act like you have never used that line). He energetically agreed and I thought it was only right to give him a hug.  But right when I was pulling away from the hug, the sneaky bastard grabbed my head and brought his lips to mine.  You know when you have a really energetic dog and you come home from work and they basically force their face on you and attack it with their mouth and tongue?  Yep...that in a nut shell is what happened.  I almost choked to death. I finally got over the shock and used every tiny muscle I have in my body to pull away from his grip.  I managed to spit out "Uh, OH WHOA.....we are...um...moving way too fast." He giggled like a geisha and ran out of the van.  With a look that probably resembled someone watching a snake eat a kitten, I began driving and stopped at the next stop sign, opened my door and spit for a good minute. In that instance I made sounds that said kitten made when hacking up a hair ball.  Elle from the back seat asked, “What’s wrong?” To which I glared back at them in the back seat and replied,  “He tastes like salsa and disappointment.”  I drove off, and after repeat calls for weeks after, I never spoke to him or his mole again.