Chapter Five: Ain't No Mountain High Enough Part One

So one problem that I seem to have is what we call my "relationship cross over’s", and just after Sam is when that truly began to happen.  Where somehow because of the world and its wicked sense of humor I meet a great guy right after my current relationship has just ended.  It’s not that I really meant for each of my relationships to start that way and in no way did it make me not feel as strongly as I did for all of the following guys after Chapter 4.  But here is where that trend truly began, except for one exception but we will get there eventually.  But one thing I would like to address now is that most of the guys following this will have more than one chapter.  I know, I know just like when "LOST" came out, you are going to have to wait patiently for the next piece of Jeremy's life.  I just want to give the proper amount of words for the serious relationships you will learn about and that will take me some time.  But lets continue: 

            So during the course of this "Sam calling me frantically over weeks of time" I met someone else.  Rick.  Currently I was working in the ever so glamorous Starbucks department of a grocery store called Safeway.  I was going on my last months there because I was to leave for New York that August for school. I called Safeway our “family business” because my mother, sister, and myself had all worked there the course of our lives but thank God none of us work there now.  Well, I had two friends Stephanie and Nick who worked at the grocery store as well and we seemed to hang out quite a lot.  We were all kind of a goofy bunch so we had a lot of fun together.  They came over to my department on my break one day and asked if I wanted to hang out later that night.  Because I had really no life except for Safeway at this point, I agreed.  They told me that we were actually going to hang out with their friend Rick who they went to high school with as well.  I thought nothing of it and we made plans to meet after work.  When I met Rick, the first thing I noticed about him was his style.  He was very stylish, from his hair all the way down to his shoes.  He was also very cute.  He was shorter than me, and had dark hair, hazel eyes, tan skin, was built but not OVERLY built, and had a great smile.  We had a short introduction and then we all decided to go to Denny’s.  Rick was very nice and very sweet.  He was a pretty funny guy and pretty goofy as well.  But one thing I was truly struggling with over that first night was whether or not Rick was gay.  I mean he had good style but the kind of style that could be interpreted as metro sexual.  He was a very expressive and very extraverted but not in any way a gay sense. Now this was at a time before my gaydar had been installed correctly (I was currently waiting for a replacement from gaydarsforcheap.com) so I was being very cautious yet curious of this person’s sexuality. I was kind of confused and of course with that mysterious unknown territory, young Jeremy began to crush.  The night ended and we had taken Ricks car from the Safeway parking lot, so he drove us all back to our cars that were now in the completely empty parking lot.  I was the last one to my beat up Volvo and was letting the engine warm up a bit before I got going (at this point everyone else had driven away) when a car pulled into the parking lot.  It was Rick’s car.  He pulled up next to me and rolled down his window.  “Everything ok?” he asked.  I responded with a “Yes of course, my car just needs a little love before I tackle the road.” He laughed.  “Everything ok with you?” I asked.  “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got on the road safely seeing as its midnight,” he said with a smile.  Wow.  I really didn’t know how to respond because I was not really used to someone caring for my well being like that, especially someone I had literally just met that night.  So I responded with “Awe thanks, that’s very sweet.”  He said “No problem,” and him and I parted ways.  All the way home (which was literally maybe 8 blocks away) as my car strained down the road, I was thinking to myself “Now why would he do that??”  I was very confused because I again had no idea of whether or not he was even of the homosexual race.  I thought about it all night until I fell asleep that night then got up the next morning and went to work.

            Of course because that is just how my life works, Stephanie and Nick were also working morning shifts in their respective departments.  Again we met on our breaks and I brought up the question that was bugging me.  “Is Rick gay?” I asked.  They both looked at each other for a long time.  Stephanie spoke first, “well that is actually unknown.”  “What do you mean?” I asked.  “Well,” began Nick, “you see there was a point in high school that he was out of the closet and was fine with it, but then suddenly he wasn’t anymore.  He began dating girls, and kind of never brought up the whole ‘gay’ thing again.” “Hmmmm,” I responded.  Not a completely hopeless situation.  I told them both about the night before, and they both kind of agreed that it was a little weird.  Because Nick had a big crush on Rick (story of my life) he said, “Well, if he turns out to be gay let me know!”  Stephanie and Nick suggested we hang out again that night, and I said “Sure.”  Nick went to the restroom and Stephanie turned to me and asked, “Do you want me to invite Rick?” And I responded immediately with, “Yes.” 

            That night the plan was for Rick to again pick us up in his XTerra, and then we were going to drive around for a while and see what we wanted to do.  As we drove along one thing that made me enjoy Ricks company was that he all loved to sing full out to the radio.  He drove down the highway blasting the radio and sang his heart out.  Even if it wasn't exactly in tune. So because we hadn’t exactly figured out what we were going to do, Stephanie suggested we drive up to Lookout Mountain (I know, I know that is so Pleasantville).  Now Lookout Mountain was obviously a…well a mountain but what made it great was it had a spectacular view of all of Denver at night.  There were places to park and just look out across the state. It really is one of the prettiest places to be at night in Colorado.  So we drove up there and found a spot to park.  It was gorgeous.  It was such a perfectly clear night and the weather couldn’t have been more perfect.  Now Rick apparently was a very adventurous person and he had this brilliant idea to climb over the railing and down some rocks to find a perfect viewing place.  Dangerous I know, and out of the three of us, I was the only one who took him up on his offer while the other two stayed behind the railing by the car.  After climbing down a multitude of rocks and after Jeremy almost broke his neck numerous times, we found a perfect spot to look over the city.  We sat there for a while in silence just taking in the atmosphere.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  All you could hear were the small sounds of the woods.  Whether it was the trees brushing up against each other in the small breeze or the snap of a twig by some forest animal like bigfoot or a lesbian.  All you could see were lights.  Now this was completely different than New York at night or Las Vegas.  These not only had the lights from downtown Denver but millions of scattered lights in the darkness all over the state which could have been outside lighting from a grocery store or just a simple porch light left on by a mother waiting for her teenage daughter to come home and ground her ass.  It is just a truly calming beautiful experience being up there.  And if you were to look to your left you could see cars coming up the mountain.  I turned to Rick and gave him a light punch in his arm.  He asked, “What was that for?” I said, “Slug bug red.”  “What?” he asked.  “Slug bug red,” I replied and I pointed to the left where you could only see the headlights of a car coming up the mountain.  He laughed and said, “How do you know that’s a bug?”  “I just know,” I replied.  “Ok then,” he said, “Well slug bug blue!” And he punched me lightly on the arm.  We then began to randomly hit each other all over back and forth saying random colored slug bugs.  He then softy brushed the side of my chin with his fist and we kissed.  We kissed for a long time.  It was very slow and not forced on either end.  I kind of was in a state of shock and also of empowerment.  I was also very scared.  I mean what if this was another repeat of Josh?  I mean I don’t know if I could do that again.  But that thought of course got thrown away in the moment and I lived in that very moment.  All that mattered in the time was he and I surrounded by the smell and sounds of the woods and the scattered lights laid before us like fireflies in the night sky.  We stayed down there for what seemed like forever. It was such an unreal experience.  A real scene from some movie based off of a Nicolas Spark novel.  After awhile we stopped, he got up and held out his hand to me and helped me up.  I thought, “Ok, I guess the moment is over.”  Not true.  He led me over to a small cave and we sat in there for a long time kissing each other.  Like I said, we never did anything more.  We just kissed.  Minutes literally turned to hours.  I got out my phone and looked at it.  4:00am.  Wait…What?!  How in God’s name (I apologize Lord, no means of disrespect) did it get to be so late? Or in this case early?  Funny thing is, I worked the morning shift and had to open Starbucks at 5:00am.  I told him we had to get going because it would take us at least an hour to get me back to Safeway, and thankfully I had my uniform in my car.  We climbed our way back up and found Nick and Stephanie asleep in the car.  We woke them up and told them we had to get going and for some reason Stephanie offered to drive.  Rick and I sat in the back seat.  He held my hand the whole way down the mountain, even if he hid it under a coat so the others wouldn’t see.  We finally pulled into the Safeway parking lot and Nick and Stephanie said their goodbyes, got in the cars and drove home to sleep.  Rick got into the front seat, and I said “Well, thanks for a fun night.” Gay I know.  He responded with, “Yeah, I had fun.”  He kissed me again and said, “You know what, I think I’m going to sleep here in my car for awhile.”  I said, “Ok” and got my uniform and went into work.  One of the longest days of my life, but for some reason I was on some sort of high.  I was overcome with so many different feelings, that I was able to keep going throughout the day even with serving grumpy people their morning coffee.  I had no idea what was going to come after this night.  I mean I didn’t want to even bank on anything because I didn’t want to get hurt, but for some reason I was just as happy as can be that whole day.  Funny thing is, I could see Rick’s car from the window of Starbucks, and he never left.  He stayed my whole shift.  I had no idea what was about to happen and what was all going to happen after that night.  I mean you never do, do you?  But I will say one thing, that first night started something.  It started my true journey about myself. I was set to learn a whole lot about myself and others and most important love and the dangerous feeling it is.  To be continued…

Chapter Four: Tupperware Party

So….so far my dating life has been quite interesting.  With Josh in and out of my life faster than a hooker in heat (too soon?), I was quite frustrated.  I just could not figure out what was wrong with me when it came to dating.  A question that follows me up to this exact moment I am writing this book.  I began to get very annoying to Elle and Ana about finding me a man, but every one I was set up on a date with was worst than the last (Moley was starting to look really good at this point).  Days turned to weeks and nothing.  Until one fateful Thursday night (ok maybe not fateful, but it seemed like a dramatic way to end this paragraph which turns out to be not very dramatic because I’m adding this explanation at the end of it.  Oh well I tried).

So every Thursday became a tradition of mine and the girls of going to one of the only gay clubs in downtown Denver.  Oh I’m from Denver by the way.  Go Rockies, the best football team this side of the Mississippi.  The place was called Dream, and for those of you who live in Denver and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, this magical place is now called Tracks.   That’s how old I feel, old enough to have the club I hung out in high school renamed because it was out dated.  So Dream was one of the only gay clubs that had an 18 and over night and that was Thursdays.  Now since my mother is ever so supportive, she agreed to let me go to the club every Thursday night as long as I got up for school the next morning, I could not miss a Friday ever due to it.  And I never did. (And on the 8^th day God created mothers to support their gay sons).  So Ana and I happened to be at the club that night doing our choreographed dance to Barbie Girl when a young guy came up to me and started to dance with me.  He was on the shorter side, thin, and cute in the nerdy way.  I mean this in the most loving way possible.  I mean he dressed well but lets face it.  He was a nerd.  So as the two of us danced one thing lead to another and we were making out.  Now I don’t know what came over me because I am NOT that type of gay where I end up making out with a random dude at a club.  I mean ever since the time a guy started putting his hands in places that were not welcome, I was very wary of any physical contact on the dance floor until then.  But we made out nonetheless.  As the night went on we started talking and I found out his name was Sam.  Not too be confused with my mothers chocolate lab, but I digress.  So Sam was 19 in his first year of college at CU Boulder.  We chatted for sometime and ended up exchanging numbers and I left because I had an economics test in the morning.  I never call first…He called the next day.  We chatted up on the phone for the next couple weeks and didn’t meet up for awhile just so I could make sure he was not a psycho.  But lets make a list: For sure gay? Check.  No moles on the face? Check. Single? Check. Gay? Check (Because somehow that had become double as important.).  So it may not be a lot of criteria, but he met all of my criteria.

 Now Sam lived in this faraway land called Boulder.  It was about an hour maybe an hour and a half away from my house but since he did not have a car I decided that I could make the trip so we made plans for me to come over that weekend.  So that Saturday I hopped in my good ole 1984 Blue Volvo that thank god had a CD player, put in A Chorus Line (yep it’s true), and headed to this far off place.  So apparently Sam was still trying to make sure I wasn’t psycho (something no one to this day has figured out), and we started off the day with his roommate and best friend we shall call him John.  They welcomed me graciously into their home and showed me their very nerdy belongings (yes his room mate was just as nerdy) from game systems to trumpets to some random dance they like to do which I have blocked out.  Now when I am first meeting people, it is hard to believe but I am very shy and don’t speak much and since I had no Ana or Elle as a security blanket, I was extra careful. But we decided that the plan for the day was to go on a hike, come back have some dinner, and then go from there.  Now I am not really an outdoors activity kind of person.  Don’t get me wrong, I love nature but I’m not really one to go out and hike in it, my mother used to be the same way but she then became a traitor and now loves it.  I think I still have my sister Jessica on my side though, who is the girl who went out in the woods in stiletto heels.  But again I digress.  So Sam, John, and I went out to go on a hike, me of course in the wrong shoes.  We hiked for entirely too long.  Long enough that my hair went from spiked up in front and cute to dry, frizzy, and looking like a toy troll. 

On this hike, the three of us had a nice conversation for the most part until came up the topic of life after high school (for all my musical theatre nerds out there).  For some reason, because at this point I had already been accepted to school in NYC, they were very negative about it.  They said I shouldn’t go because it was too far away and I would be on my own and probably wouldn’t be able to handle it and I should think about going to CU Boulder and all this stuff.  They basically made it seem because they were 1 year (and in Johns case 2 years) my seniors that they knew SO much more about the world than I did.  It really bugged me but I let it pass because I didn’t really know them that well.  Finally after we got all the way up this freakishly large mountain (it may have been a hill) we headed back down to go to their apartment and have dinner.

His roommate made a nice dinner of Ham with baby carrots and a nice pineapple glaze (this was obviously before I became a vegetarian and was ok with eating Babe). It was delicious.  After awhile minutes turned to hours and suddenly Sam and I were alone in his room.  Now before I get started on this next part let me ease all your minds that this book is not at all about sex.  I never had any intention of it becoming that, but since sex is part of every adult relationship it is bound to come up.  But because I don’t want to make anyone super uncomfortable, mostly my mother, I will make sure I write it in the classiest way possible…We did it as dirty and wild as two ravaging animals in the wilderness.  Kidding.  So this wasn’t my first time having sex, it’s funny because I didn’t decide to include that first time in this book because honestly it had no emotional attachment to me in the least bit and since this book is about relationships and not sex, I decided to leave it out.  But we did have sex which was nice in it’s own right, but it was in the dark which with your first time with someone, can seem a little impersonal because this is the first time you have been naked with one another.  Now I had had sex before but I was in no way an expert (Except with myself.  I will forever be my best sexual partner for myself.  Don’t roll your eyes) but let me share with you my trick of the trade. My gimmick.  Ok how do I put this in a way that won’t be too uncomfortable for all of you?  Ok so let us call men microwaves (shut up it’s all I can think of).  So when you turn on a microwave (no pun intended) it cooks for the proper amount of time and then the bell goes off and you are done.  In men’s case when they are “done” things happen.  So my way when I was first having sex to not let the bell go off before the proper amount of time, was that all during sex I would sing the entire CD to A Chorus Line.  Yep.  From “I Hope I Get It” to the “One Reprise.” I had that damn CD memorized and hell yes I was going to use it to my advantage!  But because A Chorus Line is not a particularly long show especially on CD, it was usually the proper amount of time.   So there you go.  You know the secret, use this information, as you will.  The night was nice, but because I was still kind of an obsessively compulsive clean person at this time in my life, I showered immediately afterwards.  It’s funny because I then called my mother and told her I was sleeping over, the very first time ever I had slept over at a guys.  She told me that was fine as long as I was home in time for The Amazing Race the next day.

So because of Sam and his distance, we didn’t see each other until the next weekend.  It was a Saturday again but this time because I had stuff to do that weekend, I was unable to stay over that night.  So obviously we got busy during the day.  Now remember I had not actually seen Sam naked.  The last weekend it was all in the dark.  This day, however, was the first time I actually saw him.  He had is shirt and pants off and at first I didn’t notice anything weird, but then I got a little closer and I noticed them. All over his chest and on his legs were scars.  Scars large and small which were the result of him cutting himself.  I didn’t say anything.  I mean what do you say?  We did what we did and I of course took a shower and we hung out in the living room and watched a movie until I had to leave.  I was still in shock.  I mean I didn’t know whether or not I should ask about what I saw or just pretend that I didn’t notice them.  I mean you could CLEARLY notice them.  They did not make him any less attractive in any way but they were very noticeable.  To my relief, he brought them up.  “So I’m sure you noticed my scars.”  I replied with “Oh…I mean yeah, but I mean they didn’t bother me.”  He said, “Yeah, I’m a cutter.” He then went into an explanation about how they came to be.  About how he was sexually abused a couple years prior and how he was basically an outcast with his family and how all of this built up made him very emotionally unstable. I asked him a question that probably was none of my business.  “Do you still cut yourself?” And he replied with a simple “Yes.”

I mean this was a lot to think about.  I mean obviously I had never been in this position before.  I did what I do best.  I put it in the back of my mind and forgot about it.  We went on with our lives for the next month or so; I went to his place about every weekend.  He did meet my mother, which went well (usually anytime my mother meets any of my boys it goes well, it’s my sister you need to worry about).  When he met my mother he brought her a batch of homemade cookies in his own personal Tupperware.  He even came to my high school graduation party where he met some other members of my life.  So far, I guess so good.

One thing I started to realize over the next month was that Sam was not only emotionally unstable.  He was downright angry and insecure.  We began to have fights about little things, things that normal people don’t fight about (at least not this early in a relationship).  He would get mad at me for not calling him right away.  We would fight about New York.  We would fight because I borrowed his shirt and forgot to bring it back.  We fought because he thought he knew so much more about life than I did.  I mean all of these things in my opinion were just stupid.  But that didn’t stop him from fighting over them.  One day I was coming over to his place, I don’t remember what day it was because at this point I had graduated high school so it was the beginning of summer.  I had told him that I was going to be at his place by noon that day.  We didn’t have anything really planned; we were just going to hang out.  Well that morning for some reason I had a lot of things to do.  I had to run some errands, stop at work, and clean up some stuff, so I didn’t really get on the road until a little after eleven.  I mean I didn’t think anything of it.  So I was a little late, I mean there shouldn’t be that much of an issue.  I traveled again to Boulder but unfortunately I got stuck in a little bit of traffic, and not only that but my phone had died because I forgot to charge it the night before.  So I finally pulled up to Sam’s apartment at 1:05pm.  I got out of my car and because they were usually fine with it, I walked in.  Sam was sitting on the couch.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I got behind today and my phone died,” I said. Sam got up slowly and said, “You know what Jeremy, you completely lack respect.  I mean when someone tells me that they are going to be here at noon I EXPECT him or her to be here at noon.  And how irresponsible do you have to be to not charge your phone when you know you will need it the next day?  I mean what do I expect, you are so young and you have no idea what it feels like to be an adult.  I don’t even know why I waste my time.”  I just stood there for a second before I responded with, “Are you fucking kidding me Sam?! Seriously, get off your high horse; you are only ONE year older than me! That doesn’t make you any more aware of being an adult than I do! I told you I was sorry and that’s all I can say.” He responded with, “Maybe you are just not ready for a relationship, because I may be only a year older than you, but I am FAR more advanced than you and at least I have my life and all my shit together!”  I lashed back with, “What the hell are you talking about?! You can’t even go a bad day without cutting yourself to ease the pain.  If that’s having your life together than I don’t want my life to be together in any way like yours is!”  I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth.  Apparently that didn’t show on my face because he came right up to me and hit me full force across the face.  I stood there for a moment with my hand placed on the spot where he hit me feeling the skin sting underneath it.  At first I wanted to cry, and then I turned and started to walk towards the door.  He grabbed my arm and with as much force as I could muster I pushed him off of me, walked out the door, got in my car and drove home.

Days went by and my phone kept getting overrun with text messages and voicemails from Sam expressing his apologies. I never returned them. Days turned to weeks and the messages became fewer and fewer.  I mean, I was angry.  No one should ever have to experience that, but that is what we do naturally.  As humans I mean.  We react based off of our emotions, it can be a very great but also a very dangerous thing.   Sometimes we get so emotional that we just react because of them.  Maybe that’s what Sam did, but I was young, I didn’t know how to deal with it.  So again, I did what I did best, I put Sam in the back of my mind, and closed him there and forgot him.  Not the healthiest thing to do, but I did it nonetheless.  So the calls stopped for a while but they started to resume again, this time with no voicemails following them.  So I again ignored them, and then my mother called me.  She started with, “So Sam called me today.” Does this boy never give up? I responded with, “Oh yeah, what did he want?”  “Well,” she said.  “He says he is very upset because you never returned his t-shirt and he wants his Tupperware back.” I replied with, “Screw him and his Tupperware!” 

Sam never really came up in my conversations after that point, except for one time after I moved to New York and he again called my mother and told her that he was vacationing in New York soon and wanted to see me.  I refused.  At this point I had moved on and I didn’t want to deal with that.  I mean, I’m sure Sam was hurt when I never called him after the day he hit me, because obviously he cared for me due to the fact that weeks later he was still trying to get a hold of me and apologize.  Did I come across rude and insensitive not really closing the situation?  Yes of course.  I mean you don’t think that looking back I can’t help but think that every day during that time that I didn’t call Sam that he would cut himself?  Of course I do, and to this day I can’t help but feeling guilty about it.  But I can’t change the past.  I can only look back on it hoping that Sam moved on with his life as I did. That he was able to find a different outlet than the unhealthy one he had for so many years.  That he was able to find someone to love and share a life with as I hope to.  I also hope he got new Tupperware.  I hope for that most of all. 

Chapter Three: Never Date A Heterosexual Part Two

Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Just my luck, I find this AMAZING guy and he has a girlfriend.  It takes me awhile to respond, and all that I can seem to muster is…”Oh...uh…I don’t care.”  We kiss again.  This time it’s for a longer period of time.  He again pulls away and says, “No I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I can’t.” Damn.  But just to get off the topic of said girlfriend, I suggest we get out of the car to meet the girls.  As we are walking he says to me “You have a strong back.”  Wait…What? I respond with a confused “Thank you?...” and he says, “well when we were kissing, I felt your back and you have a really strong one.”…Yeah I know, what the hell do you say to that?  I mean is that a compliment?  I think it is.  If it is, he sure knows how to win my heart.  “You have a strong back.”  That’s like saying my elbow gives him heart palpitations.  Ok, maybe not as bad, but equally not as flattering.

            We meet up with the girls, which surprisingly, doesn’t last long, and decide to call it a night.  As I drove him back to the Gunther Toody’s parking lot, I can’t help thinking “Now what?”  And just as I make the executive decision to not let this thing go past tonight, he does something that completely surprised me.  As I was driving, he grabbed my hand and held it.  This I found to be very odd because one, he had a girlfriend, and two because I was driving a stick shift and that turns into a complicated mess in the hand holding department.  But regardless of my constant change of gears (and his) we held hands all the way to his car.  Now just as he was about to get out of the car he turned to me and surprised me more than a simple hold of the hand.  He said, “Let me kiss you.  Don’t kiss me back, but just let me kiss you on my own.”  And he did.  And then he walked out of the car to his truck.

            Well wasn’t I in a pickle.  Here I was thinking that it wasn’t going to go past that night, and he leaves me with that.  Of all things!  Couldn’t he have just said, “See you pal.”? Like any other straight male?!  Is that what the straight guys are saying nowadays? I don’t understand their language.  But I mean, damn, why did he have to end the night like that.  I was hooked, and it wasn’t a good thing. 

Over the course of the next couple weeks, I constantly had this guy on my mind.  What was I going to do?  How was I going to do it? (Ugh. Boys).  Josh and I would text or call each other almost every day, but our conversations never really went anywhere.  I think it was because neither him nor I knew what to do with this situation.  So we just talked with each other.  We hung out a couple times (always in a group) and things just got more and more confusing.  He would do random things like grab my leg under a table, or kiss me when I least expected it.  Once while watching a movie, he fell asleep with his head on my lap as I stroked his hair.  I know, barf right? All of this was great, but not very helpful at untangling my confusion and my emotions.

            Weeks after Josh and I met, came a party.  Now don’t judge me, but in high school I liked to party, which turned out to be good for me because I don’t really do much of it anymore.  But there came a party that Ana and I were going to (or throwing but I’m not admitting to anything) and I decided to invite Josh along.  After much pleading, he decided to come.  Now usually with these parties, we would all stay the whole night at personwhoshallnotbenamed ‘s house, so I was kind of nervous to see what was going to happen.  But Lord only knows what Jeremy will do when filled with Bacardi Raz.  Now I was plenty tipsy by the time Josh arrived but I remember it very clearly.  He walked in wearing faded blue jeans, a plaid shirt, and a plaid hat.  Before I knew it, the butterflies arrived.  All through the night was endless flirting between the two of us, and suddenly Josh and I and two other girls (who were so not important in my life that I cannot remember their names) were in a bedroom alone together.  We were all pretty drunk when Josh kissed me, very long and very passionately.  But then to my dismay, he stopped and turned and kissed one of the girls, and then the other.  Because I was too drunk to really notice, this situation kept happening over and over again, and I really didn’t know how to feel about it.  I mean I felt hurt, but I also felt excited because Josh always included me.  Always kissed me the longest, but still I felt emotional.  As the night died down, Josh fell asleep on the bed, and the two girls fell asleep in another room.  He told me to lay down with him, so I did and then we fell asleep.  Two hours later, I woke up alone.  I got up, walked out of the room and into the next and found Josh kissing one of the two girls.  I was stunned.  I didn’t know what to do.  Josh turned, saw me, and came right up and kissed me, but this time I pulled away.  I walked straight down the hallway, out the door and began walking.  I had no clue where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there.   I was so angry, so hurt, so confused but had no understanding on why.  I mean did I really expect to have something with Josh? And as I walked I began to cry.  I cried because I was confused.  I didn’t want to feel this way.  I didn’t want to feel betrayed or feel like someone had that much control of my emotions, but that is exactly what was happening.  I walked for about two blocks (at this point it was about 5am) and suddenly a truck came up beside me and there he was.  Josh had followed me and told me to get in the truck.  Obviously at this point I had wiped all the tears away to cover my tracks of emotion, and he grabbed my hand and asked very sweetly “Hey, what’s wrong?”  I know, I know, how stupid can this guy get to ask me that question?  I just turned to him and said, “Listen, you have to understand that I like you, a lot.  And I know you are confused about a lot of things but you need to realize at the end of the day, that I have feelings.  I’m not just someone you can toy around with.  And it’s not ok to put me or your girlfriend through this, so you need to make a decision.”  He responded with, “I’m sorry, you know I like you, but I’m still so confused.  Please just give me another chance to figure things out.” Though I shouldn’t have, I agreed and he drove me back and slept with me all night and held me.  I never went to bed.  I stared at the wall until morning broke through the window.

            The next morning we said our goodbyes with a kiss, but I still had this horrible feeling in my stomach.  Turns out Josh, Ana, and Elle were all working the morning shifts that day and so we agreed to all meet up afterwards.  I had the whole day off to recap my feelings of the night before with a sober attitude.  Then something came to my mind.  What about his girlfriend?  Beth I think her name was.  I mean, how would she feel about what had been going on with Josh?  She would be heartbroken.   For the first time, I really truly thought about her, and felt bad for her.  Felt bad that she didn’t and probably never would know what had been happening behind her back.  I felt awful. 

            Later that day, we stuck to the plan and all met up to go to the park.  I was truly blinded by Josh’s charm.  I mean it was so hard for me to be upset with him, when he knew exactly what to say or do to give me such a feeling in my stomach.  I think a part of it was that I loved the attention.  I was so dumbfounded that someone so good looking and so out of every other gay mans reach was interested in me.  It made me finally feel special, even if it was in the wrong way.  We were walking to the park with the girls a couple yards ahead of us (out of ear shot) and I decided to ask Josh to hang out, just the two of us, so I could see what all this was about.  His response, “ Oh I’m sorry I can’t I have plans tonight.  I’m taking my girlfriend out for our anniversary.”  Ouch.  That one stung deep.  What was worse was the way he said it, like it was no big deal.  I became very quiet and pretty unsocial, and because the lesbians started to fight like two cats fighting over the last bite of tuna, we headed to the nearest house.  Mine.

            While the two girls were ranting in a room, I decided to get to the bottom of this.  I simply asked, “Josh, why are you doing this?  I mean why are you leading me and your girlfriend on?”  He responded with “I’m not trying to, I mean I like you I really do, I love spending time with you, but…I love my girlfriend and I know I’m going to marry her.” Double Ouch. “…But I do like you and I do want to continue on with what we have.”  He then kissed me, the way he always did.  Slow, passionate and full of so much meaning.  He said, “ You really are so special to me.”  And he kissed me again.  We sat for along time on the couch with my head on his chest.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I was so confused.  I wanted him so badly but he basically told me I would never have him.  I had no clue on how to handle this situation until he spoke next by saying, “Well, I have to go.  Beth is waiting.”  As I walked him to the door, I took him, kissed him and said “Goodbye” and closed to the door.  To him I was just walking him out, but to me I really was “closing the door”.  I locked it and I cried.  I never called him again.  The worst part of it is…he never tried to call me either.

            Weeks went on, and after hours of watching "The Notebook" and crying, I put Josh in the back of my mind and kept him there.  Funny thing is, when Steve found out about Josh and I (meaning when he found out we were dating) he stopped talking to me.  And when I stopped calling Josh, suddenly Steve and Josh became best friends.  So I had lost a good friend and a guy.  Great.  The last time I saw Josh was at a party of a mutual friends.  He came in, and said “Hello” and I gave him a polite “Hello” back.  All night he kept on trying to start up conversations with me, but I simply ignored him.  I could see that I hurt him, but I didn’t care.  The next day I received a phone call from Josh, but I didn’t answer it.  He did leave a message that said, “Hey Jer, um…I don’t know what to say, but I’m sorry.  I don’t know what happened, one minute we were great, and the next you stopped calling me.  It really upset me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Just know that I care about you ok?  Yeah, I guess that’s it…bye.”  I never called him back and I never spoke to him again.

            Life went on, as it always seems to, but I never forgot about Josh.  I probably never will.  I even tried once to contact him via MySpace (yep I’m old) but because I had an overprotective boyfriend at the time and Josh really didn’t have anything to say to me, I never heard from him.  He is a big disappointment in my life though, not because of what he put me through but really because how it ended.  I still feel bad because nothing was ever really resolved.  I mean, I never really ended it with him; it just kind of ended itself.  I still think about him sometimes.  Not in the way I did back then, but with the fact that I wish I could talk to him now to close that chapter, to let him know that I am fine and to find out if he is fine also.  I want him to know that I don’t hate him.  I was young and fell head over heels but I don’t hate him. I don’t know how I will ever do that, hell, I don’t even know if he will even admit to knowing me, or really even caring that he had known me.  But I do know one thing.  He made an impact on my life, he taught me that there are people out there who will hurt you, but it’s always important to know that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.  Be true to yourself and don’t get walked all over.  If he ever reads this, he will know it’s about him, and if you ever do Josh, I have one thing to say to you.  I don’t hate you.

Chapter Two: Never Date A Heterosexual Part One.

So probably one of my best stories in this book is also one of the most heartbreaking.  Don’t get me wrong, as you continue on in this book you will find that there are some truly heartbreaking moments when it comes to my relationships.  However, when all is said and done, this particular story sticks out very strongly in my mind, mostly because it was never really resolved or closed.  It is actually the story that inspired me so long ago to write this book, but until now I hadn’t had enough stories to fill a whole book.  Well hold on to your britches bitches.  It’s about to get real, REAL fast.  But, here is the story that started it all.

            Like I mentioned earlier, my high school was very small, and there weren’t a lot of gay males (or at least OUT gay males) to necessarily catch my eye, so my time was mostly spent with again my dear friend Ana and my other friend Steve, whom we convinced out of the closet (long story).  But the three of us, as well as Ana’s girlfriend would hang out almost every night, obviously being very secretive so the parents wouldn’t catch on to what the girls were doing.  Now my mother knew full well about what was going on.  My mother is amazing, she was the first person I ever came out to and she has been nothing but supportive in all of my life, from career choice to boys to everything.   A special shout out to you mom.  The best fag hag I’ve ever had.

ANYWAY... Ana and Steve both worked at this ‘50s themed diner called Gunther Toodys, and once their shifts were done at night we would often times hang out.  But every day at school they were constantly talking about this new guy Josh who worked there and how he was so hot and so nice and this and that, but they were so upset because he was straight.  Ugh straights…I mean don’t get me wrong, you straights are very nice people and I accept you for who you as long as you keep your immoral lifestyles away from me.  Just kidding.   But all I heard was “Josh this…” and “Josh that…” and “Josh is so funny…” blah blah blah blah spank me.  Now for some odd reason, whenever I were to stop by the Toodys, Josh wouldn’t be working, so it was quite awhile before we actually met.  Until one ill-fated night.

            Ana and Steve both had just finished working and called me up asking if I wanted to hang out.  I of course said yes and they said they were going to bring Josh with them because they were going to drop him off at home after they picked me up.  I remember exactly what I was wearing.  A baby blue and navy striped button down shirt (freshly ironed and starched-I was a little OCD in high school and fell in love with starch) a pink t-shirt underneath, faded light blue jeans, and a pair of white and blue tennis shoes, all this accompanied with my glasses.  Now I wasn’t dressing up for this guy, I just like looking nice.  Steve’s car pulled up and I hopped into the front seat (Ana and Josh) were in the back.  I turned around to introduce myself and immediately realized what the fuss was about.  Before me lay one of the most attractive people that had come into my life.  Blue eyes, light brown hair,  great body, and a smile that gave me goose bumps.   WOW.  With maybe just a hint of a shocked look on my face, I composed myself and introduced myself.  We exchanged hellos and headed to drop Josh off at home.  I suddenly became very aware of myself and what I was doing and what I was saying, trying not to look or sound like a fool.  After a little drive (Josh ended up not living too far from me) we pulled up to drop him off.  Ana then asked Josh if he happened to have any medicine for a headache and Josh invited her inside with him to get something.  Steve and I suddenly became school girls and chatted all about Josh.  Steve clearly had a big crush, and apparently…so did I.  Ana quickly returned and we were off.  We had nowhere to go but just continued to drive, but all throughout the drive I realized that Ana was giving me a very weird look, as if she was trying to get my attention.   We stopped at a gas station and Steve went into pay.  Suddenly Ana had…how do you call it…word vomit.  From what I can remember this is how it went. “ Ok so I have to make this fast so Steve doesn’t hear, but when I went into Josh’s house he suddenly brought you up saying he has never, EVER been attracted to a guy EVER but he thought that you were the most attractive guy he has ever seen!” Pause as Ana’s face is lit up with excitement.  And I stammer, “What?!?”  Suddenly Steve enters the car and all conversation ends.  All through out the night, since Ana and I don’t have a moment alone together, I’m lost in my thoughts.  What does this mean?  What could it mean? Why did a straight boy fall for me? ME?! Of all people?! Do I have some sort of magic ability?  The night ends and Ana walks me to my door. She tells me that Steve is not working the next night but herself and Josh are, and that her girlfriend Elle and I should come in after their shift.  Though I feel bad because Steve clearly has feelings for this guy, I agree to come because I not only think Josh is extremely attractive, but a part of me feels special to be noticed.

            The next night after their shift, Elle, Ana, Josh and I all sit at a booth.  Ana and Elle on one side, Josh and I on the other.  We all make small chat, and its clear and obvious that Josh and I are flirting…Major.  He will make a joke, I’ll laugh even if its not funny and he’ll nudge me with his elbow.  He even grabs my cell phone that I keep on the table and puts his home and cell number in my phone himself and says, "Just in case."  Then I bring out one of my tests.  I have a series of tests to check and see if someone is interested in me.  With this one, I slowly creep my knee under the table until it is touching his.  If he pulls away, he is not interested.  If he doesn’t he is.  Ok I know its stupid but it’s all I had.  But it works. He doesn't pull away  

Suddenly Ana has a brilliant plan, we should all go to this place called The Promenade (a place with shops, restaurants, and a movie theatre-a big high school hang out) but unfortunately and coincidentally Elle wants to take her car but there is only room enough for two, and she says, “Why don’t you and Josh come in your car, and meet us there?”  Thank you Ana.  We agree to meet there and the girls surprisingly take off rather quickly, while I wait until Josh grabs his bag.  We get in my car and take our time to get there, we make small talk about schools we go to, the weather, likes and dislikes, and suddenly we are in the dark parking lot of The Promenade.  Instead of getting out, we chat for a long time, flirting all the way.  Out of pure instinct, I put my arm on the back of his seat and let my fingers rest on his shoulder.  He looks at me and smiles.  I smile back. He ever so slowly, moves in and kisses me.  I have never felt sparks like that before.  Time stops moving. Within a matter of minutes we are feverishly making out in my mothers car.  Sorry mom.  This is awesome.  I don’t know why but the whole him being “straight” thing is a real turn on.  We go at it for about 10 minutes, getting more and more into it when suddenly he stops and says, “Wait, wait, wait…I can’t do this I’m sorry.”  Damn.  I knew this was too good to be true.  I respond with, “I’m really sorry.” And he says “Oh no! It’s not you!  I like you…I mean I really like you and I think you are so attractive, it’s just that…” Pause.  I wait, thinking of a million things that could be wrong.  He finally spits out, “Its just….that... I have a girlfriend.” To be continued…

Chapter One: Salsa and Disappointment

            The first and probably the shortest part of this book starts with Seth.  Seth was the first guy I ever went out on a date with.  Now lets get this straight, it is not the first guy I have crushed on or “experimented” with, but I consider his part of my story important because he was at the beginning of my mission to have a relationship.  Here is how it began.

            I had recently been out of the closet to certain people at my school and I was on a mission.  I wanted a boyfriend.  Hands down. The end.  Get me started.  So naturally in a suburb of oh so “gay friendly” Colorado, my only option was to be set up on a blind date.  Because lets face it, with a class of 35 graduates, when I was in high school I was the only gay.  Well not the only one, but because I wasn’t completely out I didn’t want to date someone from my school.  I wanted excitement and someone new.  I was ready.  After numerous attempts of meeting guys online. NOT RECOMMENDED.  My dear friend Elle and her girlfriend Anastasia (Sorry I’m not good at this whole disguising names thing but I love that movie,) decided to help me find a boyfriend and whoever it was, we were to go on a double date. For protection.   Now my two lesbian best friends had a complicated relationship.  Lets see if I can do this quickly.  Elle’s mother was psycho and when Elle was out and dating Anastasia her mother basically pushed her back in the closet and told her she was never allowed to see Anastasia again.  Her mother was under the impression we were dating.  Anastasia had a mother who was EVEN MORE of a psycho who basically did the same thing with added craziness and was also under the impression that her and I were dating.  Anastasia also had two brothers who were her mothers’ henchmen who reported everything to their mother.  So Elle and Anastasia had a secret relationship and I had two unwanted girlfriends and no boyfriends. Lovely. That should be a lifetime movie entitled “Two Girls One Gay.”

Eventually since Elle had gone to several other schools, through friends she had found someone to set me up with.  She gave me his number and we started to talk through text message and on the phone and through email.  He seemed like an ok  guy, sweet, inquisitive, clearly a bottom (something I had not quite figured out yet) and we set up a time in which him and the girls and I could go out on a double date.  I chose the restaurant.  The Armadillo.  I LOVE Mexican food, so if I am still single by the time this book is out…boys add it to the list of qualifications you MUST have.  So we decided to go out to dinner and basically to see where it went from there and to see exactly how the night would go.  Keep in mind that I have never met the guy.  So after our very well planned out and very rehearsed maneuvers of picking up Anastasia in my car, saying hello to the folks, driving to Elle’s, dropping Ana (Anastasia is way too long to write, but not as long as this explanation of why I’m using Ana instead of Anastasia, story of my life) off at the corner, parking at Elle’s, saying hello to her mother and then taking her mother’s van, then picking up Ana on the corner again, we were off.  Now let’s keep in mind, this was technically my first date so I had gone ALL out.   At that time I was just getting used to my new body (yes I used to be a fat kid) and so I had purchased this brand new outfit that consisted of blue jeans, a mustard yellow t-shirt, a maroon track jacket, and maroon and white shoes.  Thank you American Eagle!! I was ready!  Now, apparently this kid had not told his parents he was gay yet so again even though I was the only fully open homosexual to my family, we had to meet the parents as if Elle and I were dating and we were going on a double date with Ana and Seth.  Let me explain about Elle. Um….how do I put this lightly.  Elle was what you can call NOT a lipstick lesbian, meaning she looked more like a boy then a girl, and me standing at the door in my super gay outfit, either Seth’s parents were completely stupid or in denial.  But they let us in with cheerful hellos and told us Seth would be right down.

The minute Seth stepped out on to the top of the stairs I knew this wasn’t going to go well.  First off he was wearing super tight, female jeans. Fail. Paired with these jeans was a bright pink button down shirt.  All this accompanied by a very feminine man bag.  Now let me talk about his face.  Now before you go further I would like to say that I am NOT a shallow person.  I believe on looking on what is inside rather than the outside, however when there is something, lets say…very noticeable on someone’s face, you tend to not be able to stop looking at it.  Make sense? No? Ok well let me just get to the point.  Did you ever see the movie Austin Powers Goldmember?  If you have you probably know what I’m going for….yep that’s right.  There was a giant mole on his face.  Now I’m fine with moles but it was really big. Like REALLY big.  And before I could do a rendition of Mike Myers saying “Moley, Moley, Moley, Moley…” We were out the door to the good ole Armadillo.  The date was not a success.  For one thing I could not stop looking at it. I’m sorry Okay?! You would look too if you were there.  But it wasn’t his addition to his face that made it bad; the date was just not a success.  From him eating all the chips and salsa (NOT OK in my book, unless its me eating them all), to his very high pitched voice and super homosexual hand gestures, to the fact that he would not stop touching me under the table. MOLEY. I was miserable.  Finally the meal was over and we hopped in the Lesbian Mobile, but because I was unable to get one of the girls alone, I could not say our secret word that this wasn’t going well….ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! (Ok maybe it was too obvious of a word).  So instead of taking Seth immediately home, someone had the bright idea to go to the park, and since the girls were trying to make this the best date ever Seth and I were left alone on a bridge.  He then tried to hold my hand. I pulled it away. MOLEY. He grabbed it again.  I pulled it away again. MOLEY. He grabbed it and held on. (Apparently he took this situation as me playing hard to get).  He then pulled me closer…and closer…and closer….and then right before he was going to make a move (MOLEY), I brought out my secret weapon.  A fake sneeze.  I’m really good at them and it was the perfect maneuver to pull away.  At that point I said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry…allergies….cough…cough…weez…” MOLEY. I grabbed my phone and said “Oh no! It’s so late, my mom is going to kill me!” Not true.  My mom was probably not even worried, probably watching The Amazing Race.  But I said we had to go, and we all piled in the Mystery Machine and got to Seth’s house. Longest and most awkward drive of my life. We pulled up to the house and to be polite I said "Wow, I had a really great time, we should do this again." (Don't act like you have never used that line). He energetically agreed and I thought it was only right to give him a hug.  But right when I was pulling away from the hug, the sneaky bastard grabbed my head and brought his lips to mine.  You know when you have a really energetic dog and you come home from work and they basically force their face on you and attack it with their mouth and tongue?  Yep...that in a nut shell is what happened.  I almost choked to death. I finally got over the shock and used every tiny muscle I have in my body to pull away from his grip.  I managed to spit out "Uh, OH WHOA.....we are...um...moving way too fast." He giggled like a geisha and ran out of the van.  With a look that probably resembled someone watching a snake eat a kitten, I began driving and stopped at the next stop sign, opened my door and spit for a good minute. In that instance I made sounds that said kitten made when hacking up a hair ball.  Elle from the back seat asked, “What’s wrong?” To which I glared back at them in the back seat and replied,  “He tastes like salsa and disappointment.”  I drove off, and after repeat calls for weeks after, I never spoke to him or his mole again.  

"One...Simple Explanation"

      As a musical theatre performer and lover, my life is often times reflected of a musical.  Whether it’s a sad moment like “Memory” from Cats or a “go getter” type of attitude like “Don’t Rain on My Parade” from Funny Girl.  So, naturally, in the end the best title of my book had to be “What I Did For Love: The Guys Down The Line.” (thank you A Chorus Line!).  Because one constant “issue” in my life since the wee age of 16 is my guy issues. Ok boys calm down.  If you know me and I have been ever so lucky to get this book published and you are standing in line for my book signing saying to yourself “Uh-oh….am I one of those guys??” let me ease your mind.  You are probably right. But because I don’t want any legality issues I changed all your names to protect the “innocent”.  But you know who you are, and before you run to me screaming that I’m a liar and that’s not how you remember it, remember this: these are my stories and what I was going through at the time.   But since this book not only shows your faults but also MINE, so people will probably believe me over you. So suck it up, because this is my book.

            What do we do for love?  That is the big question.  I mean we tend to loose ourselves so much when it comes to relationships that we end up forgetting who we are.  It is very unhealthy and it is my life.  If you know A Chorus Line you know that one of the best songs (in my opinion) is “What I Did For Love.” (yes in the show they are talking about dancing and their careers and what they would do if they had to stop dancing and how they would feel…blah blah blah “my life’s so hard) but the words took on a separate meaning for me. Shall we?  (If technology were crazy cool you would just push a button and the song would play……oh wait I had those books as a kid the one with the Disney (copyright??) Princess’...oo oo I love Sleepy Beauty, she is my favorite princess, and I had a book that played Once Upon a Dream….this is not one of those books….maybe it should be! That would be so cool! I…….oh sorry I’m getting off track.)

Kiss today goodbye

The sweetness and the sorrow

Wish me luck, the same to you.

But I can’t regret

What I did for love, what I did for love.

Look my eyes are dry

The gift was ours to borrow

It’s as if we always knew

And I won’t forget what I did for love

What I did for love.

Gone

Love is never gone

As we travel on,

Love’s what we’ll remember

Kiss today goodbye

And point me towards tomorrow

We did what we had to do

Won’t forget, can’t regret

What I did for love,

What I did for love……

And so on and so forth.  But as I traveled on the NYC subway after one of my many heartbreaking breakups (You know who you are because you are what inspired me to write this book…more about him later,) I listened to those lyrics and thought “Wow that really describes my life.”  Because you do so much for love and you never lose that love but once you move on to the next love you never forget the last.  So this is why my book is titled what it is.  This is basically a collection of “stories” if you will of the guys good and bad (or both) who came in and out of my life with a very strong impact.  Strong enough to receive a section of this book.  There have been so many men that I have given my heart to that I am surprised there is anyone left to give it to.  Hopefully, by the time I finish this book there will actually be a true love I have found. Very unlikely but hey I hope for the best! In the end there is always Zeke (my min pin/yorkie mix).  He will always be my true love.  So ladies and gentleman (both in this book or not) hold on to your hats, please keep your hands, feet, and loose articles inside the car at all times and remember to have fun.  We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Lagunas Air!  Ok I’m getting off track again… So without further delay I present to you “What I Did For Love: The Guys Down The Line.”

Sincerely Yours,
Jeremy Michael Lagunas